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by Panoptic Blur » Oct 12th, 2010, 07:12
Chapter Zero:
In the beginning there was the Cosmic Egg. Perfect, immutable, unyielding. Within this Cosmic Egg's mystical Eggshell were the skies, the seas, the earth, and the seeds of what would become people. The sun and moon were suspended in perfect calm within.
Then came Tchernobog, who twatted the egg and smote it sorely, scattered the albumen and rent the yolk and howled to the primordial chaos, so great was his unbearable wrath. For he was on a low-cholesterol diet and Cosmic Egg Substitute had not been invented yet.
Chapter One:
God made Adam and gave him the land to garden, the fruits to eat, and the animals to name. Adam grew lonely and asked God for a mate. God spake unto him saying "Believe in me and I shall give unto you a mate born from your rib."
Alas, the serpent came unto Adam and said "Hark not what God hath said unto you, for He is probably going to do something really lame like make a woman out of thine rib or something like that. Rather, bestoweth unto me thine rib, and I shall grant unto you something well cool and kick ass."
Adam looked upon Satan and said "What be the degree of kick ass thou speak'st of, O deceiver?"
Satan said unto Adam "The heavens will tremble, and the seas shall boil, and the mountains will crumble into the plains. And also the crocus will not bloom. 'Twill be something of a core far harder than you have ever witnessedethed. Lo, give unto me the rib, but make haste because Big Brother is on soon."
And Adam thought to himself "I'faith, I fail to see how this could possibly end poorly or go wrong in any wise whatsoever" and he gave his rib unto Satan.
Satan laughed then. "Ho ho!" quoth he, "I have the rib! Behold as I form it into thine mortal companion!"
"A woman?" asked Adam.
"KNEEL BEFORE ME," said Tchernobog as he kicked Adam unto the eggs. Adam cast upon the ground, and great were his lamentations, eructations, and warbles.
"Tee hee!" quoth Satan. "May Fortune guide thine precious 'human race' now, O nutless one. Well done Tchernobog, I now name thee One That Binds."
"BOW DOWN," said Tchernobog as he kicked Satan unto the eggs. And Satan fell from the heavens and into hell, where his punishment would be to search forever in vain for an icepack among the flames.
Chapter Two:
"Where did everybody go?" asked God.
"KNEEL!" proclaimed Tchernobog.
"Right, I'm leaving. I may be gone a while," spake God unto Creation, retreating hurriedly.
"All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. Just relax and answer them as simply as you can."