The End, My Friends

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The End, My Friends

Post by Daedalus » May 23rd, 2008, 21:07

I warn in advance. This post will be emotional. If such things frighten or irk you, you'd best retreat now.

* * *

My brothers and sisters, last night was the final turning point. The idea had been growing in my mind for some time and certain events and signs have occurred which I can no longer stand against. After giving many hours of laboured thought and after so many months of contained stress, last night, as I lay down to sleep and began to think, for the first time in years -- I wept.

I punched the numbers and simple math brought about divine truth with respect to my undertakings. My present campaign, that which you know as Rage, was first dreamed up back in my final year of high school, that being 2004. In four years I successfully managed to assemble (and annihilate) the finest selection of talent the Blood universe could muster, dreamt up a plot and mapped so free of worry. In four years I managed to assemble an episode, released last October, consisting of nine maps, which I unleashed on the unsuspecting, remaining Blood faithful. The campaign was received and, as I've sat mapping for some time now, I tell you that I have about two and a half maps complete for the second installment. This means that in about seven months I've made three and a half maps and, to be honest, the first was initiated some time before the first episode's release.

Intuitively, it's taken perhaps three months per map, if not more. Rage, at its most minimal, will contain another fifteen maps for me to construct. This means that, with my best estimate, this campaign will take another five years, perhaps, to complete, but this goes beyond that.

My youth is fading, Blood universe, and divine possession only increases longevity by such a margin. With my focus shifting towards so many other schools, I fear the time has come in which I must yield to the rigours of aging and be as honest and, indeed, human as I could possibly hope to be.

Blood brothers, I cannot afford any longer to focus for days on end on Blood mapping solely. This means that I'd, at best, get an episode out every ten years or so. Such a rate is unacceptable, of course and completely unreasonable and unfair on my part.

Hold on for a moment. If any of you read the text file included with my episode, you'll note that I mentioned that Rage was going against the grain in that it was going to 'disprove' the mythology of Blood's curse of incompleteness and how I gave permission to rebuke me in the event that I didn't complete it. Would that I still had the energy to believe such things. It all seemed so easily possible and within my power all those years ago. It's amazing how one's perception can change so much in so short a time. Thus, perhaps I can offer a form of rebellion from other incomplete projects, at the very least. I can still hold some measure of honour in the title and I can impart a little wisdom from my many Blood years of experience. Rage Against The Machine, my friends, is no more. I shall announce it and, unlike many others, not callously prey upon the false hopes of an already abused society. I do not foresee that this campaign will ever be completed in our lifetimes. Ironically, Rage has taken control of my creativity through its demands. I have become a slave to my own child.

If there's one thing I could teach the Blood universe and any aspiring mappers or campaigners, it is this; learn from my and so many others' mistakes. Please, please, save yourself time and save yourself from the suffering that I've endured from this experience. With Blood, everything is so very simple. It's keys and killing. The template is already laid out for those who would see it. Dream as wildly as you like, but keep the scope of your focus manageable. Overexcitement is the slayer of Blood's visionaries. Keep the project within reasonable limits and always be forthcoming and generous towards the fanbase. Nothing is to be gained from secrecy in this title. At a time anything seemed possible for me, but I've been given a lethal injection of reality.

This pressure has simply become too great for me to bear, especially seeing as I am a man who completes what he sets out to do. I cannot fully describe my feelings to you at this time, but, being so bloated with my feelings of self-importance, I've just felt, in some ways, as if the entire Blood Universe was somehow resting on my shoulders, as if there was no progression without me. After all, save for Wangho's upcoming campaign, I do believe there are no other usermade Blood episodes on the horizon. This game, which I honest-to-God love so dearly, is now to be treated by me in this manner. As I was the sole mapeditor of Rage, it just feels as if this whole world somehow was waiting for me and here, at the end of this chapter, I find that this one being, this one man can no longer sustain the stress and expectations of this anymore.
Some God, eh?

* * *

Before sealing this chapter off, I have a few thanks to offer, followed by a series of apologies.

Dimebog - My brother in arms. Thank you for always being there to protect Blood while I'm not around, for always fighting the good fight and for your general kindness towards the faithful and myself. Your unshakeable belief and vision are commendable.

Fil - For your creative assistance and initial vision which inspired this project to begin with. (You saw the potential was there in previous works.)

J - As always, for giving me workspace here and keeping Posty flowing so as to honour Blood and its children.

Nathan - For you continued efforts to spark interest in Rage, I thank you.

And thanks to all who played and commented on the product and, of course, thanks to you remaining few who appreciate Blood.

Now on to apologies...

First off, I am so sincerely sorry that this project which brought such creative minds together should've ended up tearing them apart. I'm sorry, Dime and Fil, for my lack of courage and management which could've prevented such catastrophe. Apologies to you both for my pride causing the general reception of the first release. Additional apologies go out to Dimebog for myself not being heroic enough to continue this fight.

My apologies extend toward Hellen on behalf of my foolish pride. I'm sorry that that which you were so eager to help out in ultimately ended our friendship. I'm also very sorry for this leading to your general disdain for Blood boards and any ill will this may have generated towards Blood, itself.

And, of course, sorry to all those who believed in me and were looking forward to more.

... here come those tears again...

Lastly, Blood, my love, my most honoured title, apologies for making a promise I was too weak to hold, for any potential harm I ever did to you through action or inaction. I'm so very sorry that for all those years of joy you gave, I couldn't even spend more of mine to help you out, but life, it seems, has caught up with me. To disgrace you in this way was never my intent. For... contributing to the shitlist of halfarsedness that only mirrors the lack of your captors' effort to release the source code and allow you to spread your wings. For being too feeble to save the boards that have mocked your grace and for not having the fortitude to shine as an everlasting example with this campaign to honour thee. I am sorry, my heart.

My piece... is said... and I feel the great weight as of many stones being lifted from my shoulders, but fear not, friends, for this does not mark the end of my Blood mapping career forever, only of things remotely of this magnitude. I will still be the first to preach Blood's name in any place and still fight in her name... if you would but still believe in me.

Always your Dreaming Companion,
- Matthew "Daedalus" Kallis
Kazashi wrote:Daedalus, I don't care how much you know about Blood, your attitude has to change.
Blood + Focus = Love · Faith is the key · Heretics and traitors cannot stand before us · Some games are self-perpetuating - Blood requires conscientious communal effort to survive · We are the last line · Ask not for whom the main menu animates · Blood's promotion and survival - all other gaming considerations are secondary · More than just a game · Need a hint? · Make a stand

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Post by wangho » May 23rd, 2008, 22:28

ahh the drama. Matt, c'mon man. The idea of 4 episodes was too much of a task to see till completion. I wouldn't have wanted that task on my shoulders either. Why not take your best ideas, crunch the data, and make the best possible 2nd episode that you can muster.

Personally, it's my plan to do this BPF project and let that be it. I think I will have run out of my best ideas after this one episode. So, im pouring in as much care and attention to my work as I can muster. I've had a blast working with mapedit creating this stuff and is a great hobby. Why cannot life 'out there' be managed at the same time? I'm doing it, mapedit is just a hobby I invest in much like people who like to knit wool. You're a young man. Buck up there cowboy.

*EDIT* Actually, I think I have the idea to do one more minor episode that is close to concept as Bloatoid's 'Inherit The Earth' episode. The temple in the sky setting is intriguing and I think I'll make a 4 map episode in similar style.
Last edited by wangho on May 23rd, 2008, 22:50, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Umnir » May 23rd, 2008, 22:45

Might be just me but I think you are taking this way too seriously. Take it easy. It makes 100% that you decided to end this wether you liked it or not. We all have lives, our grey reality to handle. You did it for free, for the community and you simply don't have time nor resources. You had to make choice and you choosed your life.

Makes sense huh?

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Post by zZaRDoZz » May 24th, 2008, 00:31

There is no excuse for this orgy of self inflicted wounds daedalus.
You're a human being and so is everyone else in the blood community.
Your time with blood is far from over. I've tried to walk away from the game and stayed away literally for years. Yet I've returned. Blood is a work of art and it holds its viewers as slaves to beauty like only a fine work of art can.
You may no longer be the lead mapper and you might think your done with MapEdit and RATM but I assure you.

Niether Rage nor MapEdit are not done with you.

Go ahead and take a four or five month vacation from everything blood.

I dare you.

You'll be back.

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Post by kurt » May 24th, 2008, 01:13

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so despondent, Daedalus.

I know that it's hard to ever give up on your dreams, especially when they've consumed so much of your time. Reality though, does often get in the way of the best laid plans, and once you start looking at all those numbers too closely, the outlook for the future does tend to become rather bleak.

I know that if I were to ever give up on my dreams, as you're considering doing, then I'd probably feel crushed and devastated. And if I felt that the weight of the universe was on my shoulders as you do, I'd probably feel like crying too.

But be proud of the work that you've already done. It will continue to be enjoyed by many in the years to come. Although your original vision might possibly never be fully realized, your ideas could be still be incorporated into a project on a smaller scale, if you should ever desire. I think that most people do understand the realities of these things.

So cheer up Daedalus, and take comfort in knowing that you have already accomplished a great deal, and your efforts have been appreciated by many.



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Post by Shadowman » May 24th, 2008, 01:27

I was sad when I read this.

Then I read Matt's name.

Now I'm hurt. I'm so sorry this has taken such a toll on you and I'm willing to help if anyone out there wants to teach me to get better in Mapedit.
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Post by Ella » May 24th, 2008, 02:32

Matt honey, you need not to apologies, or to batter yourself in such ways, for what you have done and accomplished will always be appreciated by the community we have here. Feeling as if you failed may be in tie with the weight on your shoulders, but in truth, and realistically you haven't failed, or will ever, since you, I, and everyone else can only do so much, whether it's for Blood or its community. I know something like this can strike in ways that make us feel it's all over, but as life carries out you'll realise what you do best (be that in mapedit) will not just be for the past, you may be over worked, or there’s a lot on your mind, but everyone goes through these types of moments, it's just our way of telling ourselves we need to rest and lounge, even if it may be from the thing you love so much, it's never a healthy state to constantly focus on one thing in particular, it can lead to all kinds of undesirable feelings such as what you've experienced.

No one here will look at you and feel you've deceived or surrendered, we will only understand, and therefore won't pester. The fight in life never ends, but there are times we have moments to sit on that stool and drink that cold water to freshen ourselves up, and in that time is our moment to rebuild ourselves, and Matt eventually you will rise once more, since all that you feel now is a phase in time.

Look at it from a relationship view (just for an example), when the women/man you love dearly decides to break up with you, it leaves that crushing blow, a blow that can last for days, maybe weeks to even a month, but this is because the passion we have for that person still remains with us, and it feels like it'll never fade, but eventually does, at the first sight of the break up you feel your life is over, you feel nothing for the future and as if everything comes crashing down on you, in this case it's how you feel with Blood and your passion, but the frustration and torment will fade with time.

We are all human, and as humans we suffer the same emotions, this is a typical thing Matt, you'll feel better, honest.


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Post by RedFanatic » May 24th, 2008, 06:11

That was lovely Daedalus especially the 'Lethal injection of Reality.' it saddens me the news as of course it must,
but i know for a fact that Rage is of a quality that Complete (in the way your vision would have it) It would have been almost like a whole other other Build game
standing side by side with SW Duke and Blood.

So as much of a tragedy as it is that this will not be it still doesn't change the fact that even with one episode it's still an Immortal achievement that will be there
Online and on the hard drives of Bloodites for decades if not eternity's

And yes you are a God our God RATM or no RATM you are still Daedalus a legend an icon the face that wears the Deathmask, I can only think of you with more respect and wisdom for know what you wish to do and choosing a course
rather than being dragged through the suffering of a Dream that you have woken from.

Finally i would like to say you and many on this forum have inspired me and helped me to become the Mapeditor that i am today,
And i can assure you that i Love making maps to an equal extent to playing the game,
Personally after BPF I have lot's of other plans and ideas that i shall slowly and with no great pressure build enjoying the journey that every one brings.
So don't worry as long as I have a computer a Map will be being made somewhere, :wink:

and plus it may seem dark now but perhaps in a few years time the old feeling will well up again and
you'll just start, after letting your self put down a heavy burden and rest, to pick it up again dosen't seem so bad :D

Be Happy Matt :D
These Lyrics may help to ease your pain

"This moment is different from any before it
this moment is different it's now
And if I don't kiss you
That kiss is untasted
I'll never get it back
But why should I want to
I'll be in the next moment
Sweet moment
Sweet lover
Sweet now"
[color=red]Infuscomus Cruo Lokemundux[/color]

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Post by NAto » May 24th, 2008, 12:04

Not sure how much there is left for me to say but just one or two things...

I no way have you failed, Matt, I suppose it was never easy for you... in fact you did extremely well, so you did us and Blood proud :D RATM will live on.

You've been an inspiration to us all and especially to me, man. Keep it up! It's more appreciated than you know I think. I think even those who you are at odds with are grudgingly jealous ;) And like I said, make a haunted house map and all is forgiven :roll:

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Post by Drakan » May 24th, 2008, 15:29

The Alpha wolf declares that this will not be the end!

Matthew my good friend. Oh how the wolf remembers your enthusiastic talks of RATM back in the day. Christ has it been that long since it first surfaced...?

But you sire have nothing to be ashamed of. It is merely mortal; we can only obtain so much strength, prowess and mentality to bring to a fight before we finally fall to our knees and surrender. But reflections from the past that show pride and dignity are the most worthy to reminiss. You still are only so young, you still have time to map! But even if time becomes short and your mapping is limited and outside of RATM, it will be of somethingof beauty, no matter what it is.

Please, this wolf detests like so many others these self inflicted wounds. I is so crushing to watch our beloved god, our hero to declare himself a failure. Failures are the blundered idiots whome a pack turns it's back on; such is not the case my friend - you are in a time of need, and we, your beloved friends of old, are here to lend an ear, a paw, a heart.

If anything, it is I whome should apologise. It has been so long since RATM was released, and Only now have I taken a look. I am not far in, but I see the beauty and macabre world it has to offer. I am ashamed, I have been so slow to do this and aside from finally achieving hardware that allows Dosbox to spray Blood on me, I have had no excuse to ignore it. Please... forgiveth me old friend... :(

I hope to see our dreaming god to map once again, but if nothing can permit such, I shall thank thee for RATM.

After all, better to have anything than go with nothing.
Life is a privilege...Death is a promise...

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Post by oBe » May 24th, 2008, 20:49

We'll be signing jewelcases at the funeral.

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